The Trouble with Toddlers
by TheSouthernScribe
Summary: What happens when your girlfriend comes back from an away mission as a toddler. Insanity - backaches - thoughts of murdering your best friend. This week's LJ Ship Wars entry. Go Team McHura.


**Title:** The Trouble with Toddlers  
**Ship:** McCoy/Uhura  
**Author(s):** Team Mchura (all members)  
**Rating:** PG  
**AOS/TOS:** AOS  
**Warnings:** None  
**Disclaimer:** All respective Star Trek TOS and AOS properties belong to Paramount, the estate of Gene Roddenberry, JJ Abrams and the rest - and we are not profiting from it.

"This wasn't my fault."

Dr. Leonard H. McCoy had learned to take Captain James T. Kirk's declarations with a grain of salt. In fact, Len was so used to that statement slipping from his best friend's mouth during their days at the Academy he learned to simply sigh, roll his eyes, and refrain from asking, _"What did you do this time, Jim?"_ It was easy to focus on the task at hand, patching up yet another cut, bruise, or broken bone. McCoy thought Jim grew out of his nonsense shenanigans after taking the Captain's chair and maturing at a light year rate of speed. To Jim's credit, he had, but he never bypassed the opportunity to run headlong like a bull in a China shop at the worst times possible. These days, the Captain at least took a page from Spock's playbook and thought it through a few seconds longer than in days gone by.

But today...

Jim alternated between a look of exasperation and discontent as he switched a crabby, screeching, grumpy little toddler from one of his hips to the other.

"This," he emphasized, frowning at the full cheeked, wild haired, girl beating his face with her tiny fists, "was not my fault. I just want you to know that, for the record." His eyes were pleading with the doctor.

Jim bit his tongue to hold back the swear word fighting for release, when the girl attempted to do a backbend out of his firm arms and poked his eye with her elbow. McCoy laughed at his friend's battle with one of the few girls in the universe who didn't respond to his charm. This little one reminded the doctor of his own little Jo, when she was fussing up a storm. The toddler began wailing like a tone-deaf banshee and the returning crew either double-timed it from the transporter room, covering their ears, or winced painfully. McCoy and Kirk were part of the wincing team.

"Oh for Pete's sakes - look, I'm sorry!" Jim yelled at the girl, who suddenly blinked away her tears, and then let out a scream that made the last one sound like whispers in a library. There was slobbering and tears as another blood curling scream left her lips and her head went back in an attempt to head butt the man currently holding her.

"Shit!" Kirk handed her over to McCoy, who cooed at her softly and rubbed her chubby cheeks. She stopped screaming and hiccuped softly into the doctor's shoulder.

"Figures," Jim grunted. He ran his hand through his hair while McCoy continued to shush the little girl; the doctor bounced her carefully to keep her tears at bay. "Of course she wants you. Plus, you're the only member of the senior crew who has experience handling children."

"Doubtful," McCoy murmured. His eyes blazed at Jim as the baby hugged his neck, but he kept his voice neutral and soft. "Jim, what the fu...heck did you do this time? Whose Zaloran kid is this, and why did you bring her on a starship - a dangerous military vessel, might I add. Where are this girl's parents?"

Jim rubbed a lone hand across his jaw. "I'm tired. I'm part-deaf from off key squeals in my ear, and I don't want to hear your yelling and backwoods curses next. So Bones, I'm going to say this as quickly as possible and in as few words as I can handle."

"Jim, you're effiin stalling, what the hell did you do?" McCoy whispered while covering the little girl's ears.

The Captain continued his impromptu speech, "I repeat, this is not my fault. I'm going to take a long, hot sonic shower and contemplate what the hell we're going to do next."

He ticked off his fingers while glaring at McCoy. "One, Zalorans are tricksters and hate to be bored. Two, they thought some of us were too serious during negotiating the dilithium mining rights. Three, they said Lieutenant Uhura needed to lighten up some--"

McCoy looked around quickly, remembering that he hadn't seen his girlfriend beam up with the rest of the landing party. "Jim, where's Ny?"

"--Four," Jim continued, "they manufactured some kind of crazy space pollen that instantly regresses you to a child like state for God knows how many hours--"

"Jim! Where the hell is Nyota!"

"--and five." He nodded to the toddler. "You're now in charge of your girlfriend for the next few hours. Be careful. She bites hard. Good luck, Doctor."

And before McCoy could blink from his stunned state, Kirk ran from the room, nearly losing his life to the automatic doors but refusing to stay and suffer the wrath of McCoy and his three-year-old girlfriend.

*

McCoy rubbed his temples as he glared at the computer terminal on his desk. He'd contacted a few of the doctors planetside, but still got the royal runaround there...obviously the tricksters weren't just on the government levels. He finally found one doctor who was willing to give him a straight answer.

_"It does wear off in a few hours,"_ Dr. Lincren told him. _"Unfortunately that applies to the genetic makeup for our species, Doctor McCoy. In my professional opinion, your crew members should not have been used as a testing ground for Terrans. For that I apologize. If I can be of further assistance please let me know." _

The screen went black. McCoy's anxiety levels increased; he knew no more than he had when Jim handed Ny over to him in the transporter room. What if…no, he wouldn't consider the possibilities! She was always telling him he was too negative. He took a breath and tried to center his thoughts.

Running tests on Ny (well, as often as she'd sit still, anyway - she kept using his sickbay as a playground and his nursing staff as her own personal jungle gym) and getting her to sit still for a hypo was damn near impossible.

"Dammit." He swore quietly when Nyota - clothed in the tiny little red uniform and boots Nurse Chapel replicated for her - knocked down a shelf full of hypos and medical equipment. At least trying to find the space pollen antidote meant keeping his mind off the fact that his girlfriend was a toddler.

Nyota giggled while he slowly and meticulously picked up the carnage around him, but he wasn't prepared for what happened next.

"Piggyback!" She shouted, leaping onto his back in one fluid move.

"Ow--ow! Dammit, Ny--"

"She just wants to play," Nurse Chapel offered. She'd dropped to her knees to help put things back in order on the shelves, but she was far too amused for his liking. Yet, she was the only person Leonard trusted to keep him from going up to the bridge and ripping Jim Kirk a new one. Plus she filled the role as second babysitter for their tiny terror.

"Maybe so," Leonard growled. He straightened; Nyota laughed and kicked his sides with her little feet.

"Giddyap, giddyap!" She even managed to grab a fistful of his hair and tugged as if it were reins.

McCoy groaned. "I know Joanna was never this bad. _This_little hellion's gon' put me in traction if she keeps this mess up."

"It'll wear off soon. And then you can tease her mercilessly about it." The nurse placed a reassuring hand on the doctor's shoulder before patting him lightly. He swore he heard her say _giddyap_ under her breath.

"Yeah, yeah. Whatever." Everyone but him found this situation amusing. McCoy wanted Nyota back. All long legs, sultry eyes, and perfectly legal for the thoughts those images evoked.

"Giddyap, giddyap!" The little girl's high pitched voice filled the air.

Leonard bounced a little, but his heart wasn't in it. "I still need to run some tests, but I can't do a thing with her on my back."

"I can run the tests, Len. But I think what she really needs is your attention. Can you blame her? Inside, that's the Nyota Uhura we all know and love, but she's thinking like a toddler. It'll scare her to pieces if you left her side now. I think you're the only one who can calm her fears until this stuff wears off."

Leonard made a wry face as Nyota tried crawling up his back and over his neck. He bent down so she could get off, and she immediately headed for a biobed and hit the shiny buttons. "Great." He bit back the vulgarity on the tip of his tongue as he pulled the girl away from the buttons. She switched her attentions while trying to climb up on some rather delicate and irreplaceable equipment.

He grabbed Nyota in one arm and held her out like a sideways sack of potatoes. "What do you suggest I do, Chapel, tell her a damn bedtime story?"

Christine swallowed a laugh. "That's a good start. Can't be any worse than her annihilating sickbay during her reign of terror, can it?"

Leonard huffed and looked into Nyota's overly cute, huge brown eyes. "Maybe," he muttered. "Like you said, it can't be any worse."

McCoy's arm began to hurt as he carried the twenty pound bag of potatoes named Nyota Uhura. It didn't help that she began to go into tantrum mode, kicking him with her feet.

Christine saw how tired McCoy was, though, and shook her head. "You should see if you can get her to take a nap. Or better yet, both of you should take one."

"Not sleepy!" Nyota protested, poking out her lip.

McCoy shot Christine a look. "You don't have to go to sleep," he said persuasively. "You just listen."

He took her little hand and walked out of the sickbay. His years in private practice and at Starfleet Medical couldn't prepare him for this.

"Story now!" Nyota said, interrupting his thoughts.

"All right, all right" McCoy said, grinning. She ran to his bed and bounced on it. Despite the insanity of it, he leaned against his wall and began a tale. _"There was once a beautiful princess named Nyota. She lived in a very tall tower which was guarded by a mean dragon named Kirk."_

"No like Kirk!" she said.

_"Yes, well, Princess Nyota didn't like Kirk either. He kept her in the tower because she was very beautiful and he didn't want anyone else to see her. He wanted to keep her to himself."_

"Bad Kirk," she responded.

"Yes, bad Kirk" McCoy agreed. _"Anyway, Nyota was very lonely so she began to sing a song to make herself feel better-"_

"I sing!" Nyota shrieked. "Aye…bee…cee…dee…eeee…..ef…gee"

"Uh, Nyota, that's all right." It had been years since Joanna was this age and he forgot how taxing and tiring it could be. Toddlers had a mind of their own.

"I sing!" she insisted. "Aye..bee…cee…de…eeee…ef….geee…minnow pee!"

McCoy rolled his eyes. "Nyota, please listen-"

"Twinkle, twinkle little star….elem…minnow…pee!

"Lord have mercy on my soul." He prayed for some type of intervention.

He ceased his prayers as two tiny hands came up to cover a little mouth and giggles spilled over the top. "Me say pee…me say pee." Nyota sang in a loud and off key voice as she jumped all over his bed.

The same bed where the two had said a very tantric and explicit goodbye before her mission got Kirked.

"Misser Mee Coy finish story now." She sat quietly in the middle of the bed, her tiny head cradled in her hands.

At any age she was adorable and capable of melting his heart - until she started to move again. She created a small fort from his pillows and he crawled into it, beside her. Little Nyota wiggled and wiggled before she finally settled down and placed her head in the center of his chest. Out of fatherly instinct he rubbed slow circles on her back and began another tale.

_There once was a beautiful princess named Nyota. She was the fairest maiden in all the land. Blessed with a beauty unparalleled, wisdom untold, and the purest heart made to love one man._

One hand gripped his shirt. The other mirrored the strokes he made on her back on his arm. It was the same thing his Ny would do in the quiet moments where they held one another and waited for the chaos of the day to subside. She was there, inside her younger self and doing the best she could to reassure him in spite of their current bizarre situation.

_Princess Nyota had many friends who loved her. There was Hikaru Sulu. He always delivered the prettiest flowers to her door; orchids, lilies, violets, and roses all in different colors, but none as beautiful as Nyota. They would talk for hours about music and food. She would whoop his ass in fencing._

"Misser Mee Coy say bad word. Don't say dirty words or I tell your mommy." Nyota poked him in the chest and a huge grin spread across his face. On his last comm. to his mother, Nyota and "mommy" had had a similar conversation about his continued usage of vulgarities.

_Nyota routinely defeated Hikaru in their weekly fencing matches. This was because Mr. Sulu could not bear to see anything other than a smile on the fair maiden's face. He allowed her to win._

A swift and firm toddler fist planted a punch directly under his chin. Yes, Nyota Uhura was there and not amused by the current course of his story.

"Ouch, all right, all right! I get it. Mr. Sulu gets his ass kicked by the Princess. Happy?"

"You said 'nother bad word!"

Len scratched his cheek. "Yeah, and you hit me. We're even."

Nyota pouted, but she curled up tighter in McCoy's lap and put her pointer and middle fingers in her mouth as her eyelids became heavy with sleep.

"I think someone's sleepy..."

"Nuh, uh."

Nyota curled back into a ball, fingers still in her mouth, no way disturbed. McCoy picked her up and went through his drawers to look for something for her to sleep in, but couldn't find anything decent. So he went to the clothes replicator and punched in for some pjs. A long, toddler friendly sleep shirt covered in pink and purple tribble patterns popped out and McCoy put the nodding toddler in it. As McCoy gently undid her ponytail, Nyota suddenly became fully alert.

"MeeCoy?"

"Uh oh, did I wake you?" he whispered softly as he moved in closer to her face and kissed the tip of her nose.

"I wasn't sleepy." Her eyes were still heavy and glazed over with impending sleep.

"Yes you were, and you will be because it's time for bed." He scooped her up in his arms, unprepared for the impending attack.

"Noooooo!" Nyota violently shook her head, smacking him in the eye with the wild strands of her hair."I wanna stay up with MeeCoy!"

_Of course she does_, Len thought silently. He bit back another sigh and a laugh. God, he was exhausted. "Fine, then, how about another story?"

"Okay!" she said as she jumped on his bed,which was cute, until she nearly fell off and his heart sank, thinking about the possibility of injury.

"Ny..." said McCoy, giving her a look.

She fell down on her butt and giggled, then spotted a picture on his bedside table of the _Enterprise_ bridge crew taken just after their graduation ceremony.

"Wah that?"

He felt a small lump in his throat. "That's...a picture of me and some of my friends."

"Fwenz?"

"Friends," he repeated slowly.

"Fuu-renz..." she sounded back. McCoy fought off a smile.

Nyota crawled over to the small table and picked up the image. She held the picture in one chubby hand and pointed at the image of him and asked, "That you?"

_Good girl,_ he thought before answering yes.

She pointed to another person in the photo. Her eyebrows furrowed in displeasure, "Kirk?"

"That's right, Kirk." The Captain never stood a chance with Nyota.

She drew her finger once more until she stopped at another. "Lulu?"

"Sulu," he corrected gently.

"Oh," She giggled. McCoy vowed to make 'Lulu' stick somehow.

Her tiny finger hovered over one person, Spock, for a moment.

Her finger stopped at an image of her adult self. "Mama?"

McCoy had met Nyota's mother before and they definitely resembled each other, but he shook his head.

She pointed at another person. "Little boy?"

McCoy laughed out loud. "Honey, that's not a little boy, that's Chekov. He's seventeen here."

"Little boy!" she insisted, now pointing to a smaller creature.

"He's not a little boy either. That's Keenser."

"Want story 'bout Keenser! Want story 'bout boooy..."

Okay he thought.

"Once there was a very smart man who had a very bad idea. His name was Mr. Scott."

"NO-no-no!" She interrupted. "Want story about KEENSER!"

"You can't have a story about Keenser without Mr. Scott. I promise that Keenser will be in the story." Nyota seemed to accept this and McCoy continued. " Mr. Scott liked to bragged all the time about how smart he was and how he could fix anything. He even claimed he had a theory for interplanetary transport beaming..."

"Huwh?"

"Sorry kiddo, I don't understand any of it either. I'm a doctor not a—"

"BUNNY!" She squealed.

That momentarily stumped McCoy. He was about to say 'physicist'.

"Mmm. You're right, I'm not a bunny. So, Mr. Scott says he can make things disappear from one planet and reappear on another."

Nyota didn't look like she understood. After thinking about it for a moment he covered his face with his hands and muttered, "Where am I?"

Then, he uncovered his face and said, "I'm back!"

Nyota cried out with delight! "Magic!"

"Yes, magic! So Mr. Scott decided to prove he could do magic; he took Admiral Archer's prized beagle, waved his magic tri-corder and said 'Portus'! And then the beagle disappeared in cloud of gold glitter."

McCoy was very proud of his story telling skills. He looked at the little girl for approval.

"Wassa beagle?" She asked.

_Huh_, he thought. _Not the response I was looking for_.

"A beagle is a small dog," he explained.

"Like puppy?"

"Well, I suppose so. Sure, like a puppy."

"Misser Cot make puppy go away magic?" McCoy missed the note of distress creeping into her voice.

"Yeah, he made it disappear like magic and forgot to bring it back, so the admiral banished Mr. Scott to an icy planet called Delta..."

"WAAAAH!"

What's wrong, honey?" He sat up and hugged her tightly.

"WHERE DID THE PUPPY GO? WHERE?" She screamed before crying.

"Ah hell, now what am I going to do?" the doctor mumbled.

McCoy rocked back and forth making soothing _hush_ noises. He'd forgotten how with small children, emotions could change in an instant, especially when stressed or tired. Nyota had to be both at this point.

"W-wah happen to-to puppy?"

"It came back when the spell wore off, honey."

Nyota hiccuped. "P-puppy come back?"

"Yes--it did," he assured.

Nyota was quiet for a moment before whispering, "Did Keenser bring him back?"

He honestly didn't know. Rumor had it that the dog had miraculously re-materialized on its own. McCoy thought that was baloney. Scotty had probably been conducting experiments and got lucky; Keenser was most likely there at the time.

"I bet he helped Mr. Scott find him," he whispered before placing a light kiss on the little girl's wet cheek.

Nyota remained silent. A minute later McCoy felt the steady breathing and decided she must be asleep. He gently set her down beside him on the bed, settled in himself and closed his eyes.

_It was a dream. It had to be a dream. McCoy sensed this because of the hyper-real quality of his surroundings; the nearly astro-turf grassy hill under his feet, the cerulean cloudless perfection above his head, and his best friend Kirk standing next to him in crisp, formal Starfleet gear._

_His dream intuition whispered that someone was coming up the hill. She was slim and tall for a 10 year old. Her raven colored hair was pulled back in a slick pony tail and her dress was gauzy and lilac in color. The last time he saw her she hadn't even started kindergarten. He would recognize her and those hazel eyes anywhere, anytime. They were his eyes, a small genetic gift from a father to his daughter._

_"She's lovely, Bones."_

_McCoy started at Jim's voice. "Yes, she is," he managed to say. Emotion lodged in his throat as his eyes burned with unshed tears. _

_Tiny giggles interrupted their conversation. There was another little girl in a pink, princess-styled dress, carrying a basket, dancing up the hill, and flinging flower petals haphazardly about her. She threw a handful at the other girl and shouted, "Joanna!"_

_Joanna laughed in return. The small girl then bounced up to Kirk and repeated the process. "Uncle Jim!"_

_"Hey there," he answered back._

_She squealed a little when Jim reached down and tapped the tip of her nose with his finger._

_She whirled around and skipped her way to McCoy. A storm of petals barely reached his mid section before she shouted, "Daddy!"_

_It felt to him as if all the air was sucked out of his body on a micro-cellular level. As she peered up at him grinning, he couldn't help but notice the resemblance to the mini-Nyota he'd been baby-sitting earlier that day._

_This girl had the same features, except her skin was a shade lighter, her hair was a touch more brown and her eyes..._

_They were hazel, just like Joanna's and his._

_He reached out to catch the little girl but she danced gingerly out of his reach. That was when he saw her - Nyota._

_She was fully adult now, sheathed in a dress that was creamy and gold. Her hair was fashioned in a sophisticated upswept style. Pinned to her hair was a shimmery veil that didn't quite hide the brilliant smile and lovely eyes behind it._

_McCoy smiled back, he couldn't help himself. He took a step forward but was stopped when Jim grabbed his arm._

_"Uhura's gone!" he shouted._

_Wait, now McCoy was confused. "Jim, she's right in front of us!"_

_"The other Uhura," he frantically exclaimed._

_"What other Uhura, what are you...CRAP!"_

The little girl was gone, dammit. McCoy spun around and his hyper-real fantasy melted into his darkened quarters.

"Nyota!" he cried out as he bolted upright.

"Shh." Warm hands - hands that were neither infantile nor doll-like - rubbed his back. The room was still dark and he felt disoriented. He wasn't sure what was going on. Was he still dreaming--?

"Nyota...?"

"I'm here, Len, it's okay. It's over. I'm _me_ again...for what it's worth." Len knew it was his Nyota, now. But the awkwardness would not leave him. "Lights at twenty percent," she called, feeling his discomfort, and the dim lighting revealed her hair a tangled mess...and the tribble nightgown had become a tight, revealing nightshirt.

"When--?"

"An hour or so ago. You were asleep. I guess I was really tired, too." She shrugged a little, and he couldn't stop staring, as if blinking would break the spell and she would be lost to him, forever. _Tell me you're real_, he wanted to say, though he already knew the answer.

Neither of them wanted to talk about what happened, but Nyota's soft, somnolant murmurs slowed his panic enough that he could begin to think clearly. She kissed him softly and it broke whatever remaining hold the dream had on him.

Real.

She was real.

He was real.

She wasn't gone, lost, missing, or mini-sized.

"What do you remember?"

"Everything," she said, and a small giggle - adult-sized - escaped her lips. It was music to his ears. "But you forgot the most important part of your so-called fairy tales."

"What's that?"

Nyota kissed him again, and there was no innocence in her hungry eyes. Oh, yeah. He remembered that look and he missed it.

"And they lived happily ever after."

The room went dark and the unmistakable hands of his Nyota slipped under his shirt, and happily ever after couldn't come soon enough.


End file.
